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Author, standing in the middle of her apartment squinting at the floor: “.....I was doing something. What was I doing?”

Atlas, a beta fish: 🐟

Author, tired: “Uhhhhh, okay bud.”

This has been a common occurrence this week. I can’t tell if I’m in a Beatrice-version of the Truman Show, or if someone keeps backspacing and re-writing my narrative from whatever weird fanfiction website they’re publishing on.

Lately, I think I’ve forgotten how to be me. I haven’t drawn anything, nor painted or sketched, I haven’t watched any of the TV shows or YouTube channels I find enjoyable (i.e. Markiplier, The Bear, etc). I don’t feel comfortable in the clothing I have or how my hair has grown out. And, obviously, becoming comfortable in my body (a healthy body, this time) is a difficult and long-term process.

So, I scheduled a hair appointment. It’s going to be a little buzzed in the back, but my little bangs (that I love) will still be there. For clothes, sometimes you gotta break the bank a little bit, haha. Everything else... I’ll get to them eventually. Stress is stressful, to say the least; my classes are definitely proving to be a challenge in the best of ways. Challenges always lead to change, and there’s no better feeling than when you truly understand the material and can apply it correctly.

Oh! Speaking of, actually:

In my Healthcare Leadership class, Rachel Pettiti, Ph.D. is my professor for the semester, love her – we recently were introduced to the Hedgehog Concept. It combines three things:

1. What you’re naturally good at
2. What you love (passions)
3. Economic applications

These would be the constituents of your “dream job” or “professional end goal” – or whatever you’d call your “happily ever after” that gives you more than gas money.

To be honest, I was doubtful this would actually do anything for me. I was pretty sure it was one of those exercises that would teach me something I already knew, but, at the same time, I didn’t have much to lose. After a bit of brainstorming, here is what I hogged out of my hedge:

1. What am I good at?
• Fixing/tinkering, talking to people, learning/studying, teaching, adapting to situations, change, etc.
2. What am I passionate about?
• Plants (environmental sciences), helping, volunteer work, cooking/baking, applying my major anywhere I can, microplastic/gut microbiome/micro-anything
3. What does the economy have to offer?
• Medical and researching fields, surgery, wet/dry lab research

I remember just being a little shocked, actually. It all worked out so... well; I didn’t know what to think about it. Being a surgeon has been a recent dream of mine, even if it is slightly influenced by Derek Shepherd from Grey’s Anatomy.

C’mon. You had a crush on him, too.

Being able to repair someone – I don’t like the term ‘fix’, it’s too inhumane for me –and setting them up to live a better quality life is a thought that I find so much joy in. For anyone curious, I highly recommend the book Into the Magic Shop by James Doty, which gives readers an upfront perspective of what it’s like to be in the ER, and that not everyone comes from greatness.

You can be someone if you allow yourself to be known. Obviously, that’s not the entire equation, but that’s where it starts.

I think there is beauty in the operating room. The cleanliness, the unwavering trust between you and your fellow coworkers, and the overhead lights and the low hum of their electricity. The heart monitor, the sound of your heart pounding in your chest as you make the first incision. Maybe this is messed up, but when I was a kid, a family tradition we had was that you have a second wish on the first slice of cake. Pre-op, I imagine I’d ask my patient for a wish to make for them before the first incision. I feel like that’s a very “me” thing I’d do, lol.

As for research, well, I think it’s known that I’m a fond lover of it. Reading PubMed at midnight on a shift is a well-loved activity if crossword puzzles have lost their appeal. Topics I will probably be forever pursuing include:

• The Gut Microbiome
• Many interactions, causes, and effects on health
• What I believe to be the future of preventative medicine
• Nutrition
• Also, something that should be considered in the first lines of treatment of illness (but never quite the final solution; it’s more of a preventative measure that may or may not work)
• Microplastics (ew!)
• Seeing how this interacts with the gut microbiome and human nutrition
• Where is it? What is its trajectory?
• Environmental Engineering & Conservation
• I feel like everyone should research this. We live on this Earth, and understanding it may do us some real good (especially to those in my generation)

These are things that I love and while I may not be inherently “good” at them, I am still dedicated to them as much as I am pursuing a future in them. Being able to do literary research for this blog, in fact, is always a treat because not only do I get to do one thing I love, but two! Woo!!

Author laughs, swirling the coffee she got from Jazzman’s. Sun is streaming through the library window, and all is well.

Someone said I was beautiful this morning. I hope that they have a really, really awesome day.

As this blog post comes to an end, I encourage all of you to mess around with the Hedgehog Concept. Of course, you don’t have to do it – I’m just a bunch of itty bitty words on your screen – but it’s oddly helpful in figuring out what you might want to do with your life. Currently, I am sitting in the sun, enjoying the taste of my coffee, and writing these words as though I’m doodling on a piece of paper. I am in bliss.

To be transparent, I did take a day while writing this entry to give myself some space to exist (which was greatly, amazingly needed. Thank you, self), but I am happy I was able to complete this entry with peace of mind and a happy heart.

I hope you all are enjoying the sunshine this week, and that perhaps you take the time to savor it. Fall and Winter will come eventually, and the sun will be much more like a lost friend than a lover. Take some time today to get out, do some self-care, read – whatever floats your boat – and just take a moment to realize the life you live.

It’s all pretty amazing when you look at it.

Thank you all so, so much for reading, and I hope you enjoyed reading this article as much as I did writing it.

All my love ☺️
With peace, love, and peanut butter,
Beatrice